What has always sucked: My parents have lived in northern Connecticut for the past 23 years. Last summer, my sister decided to move back from the West Coast, because it had gotten too expensive and she wanted to be closer to my mom and dad (free day care!). After she moved her family, I thought to myself, You know what? Maybe we should move nearby, too. We could be closer to my whole family: my mom, dad, sister, brother, aunt, everyone! So I took my family up for a weekend and started scouting neighborhoods on the outskirts of Hartford, far away enough from New York to be at the fringes of Masshole country.
This wasn’t a lark. This was something I had been seriously considering. It made perfect sense, from both a financial and personal standpoint. I drove around in the rain, looking at a few houses that were tucked back into the woods (New England towns are always shrouded in woods and seeming perpetual darkness) and checking out town squares. And then I drove by a local high school. I eased the car up the driveway and pulled around to the entrance, and outside there were four students in Red Sox hats. They were Massholes in spirit, even if we weren’t technically in Massachusetts. They had the dirty stubble. They had the shitty hats. They had that typical asshole Boston sports fan look of arrogant misery. Looked like they had just punched out a packy store clerk for not having any Kodiak behind the counter.
And I thought to myself… NOPE. No fucking way. I had two sons and I wasn’t letting them grow up to be THAT. I’d far prefer they grow up to become dipshit Maryland lax bros. ANYTHING is preferable. I ditched the idea on the spot. That’s how much you motherfuckers suck. All those titles in every sport and you’re all STILL unhappy. All the fucking time. If my team had three rings, I would skip around my neighborhood naked all day long, throwing cupcake sprinkles at everyone.
But noooooo, not New England fans. No no no, they have to spend every last waking second bitching about all the additional titles they should have won. The Red Sox won a title last season—their third in the past decade—and yet they still bitch about the team sucking this year! JESUS FUCKING CHRIST. These are terrible people, and they root for a team run by a terrible man who demands passion from his players and then cuts those same players as bloodlessly as a guillotine operator. They are disloyal and hypocritical. They demand fealty and offer none of their own. Fuck them. Charles Barkley knows what time it is.
Football-wise, this team hasn’t won a Super Bowl in 10 years (THE HORROR) and won’t win another one because of their strict GRITTINESS BY SUBTRACTION policy. All the Patriots do now is hoard players from Rutgers and stockpile backup quarterbacks who get overvalued by fans simply because they took a piss next to Tom Brady.
Every time there is a wide shot of Gillette Stadium, you’ll notice most of those seats are empty because those privileged pieces of shit would rather stay inside in the bar area the entire game and watch it on TV or through the window. The Nutcracker has louder audiences.
Being a Patriots fan has actually made me a worse person.
hilarious, true, inspires a strange sense of pride. hooray football, go pats.
the same black line that was drawn on you
was drawn on me
and now it’s drawn me in
hey so i’ve got all this weird happiness
what do people do with this?
someone was right to ship it
i just want back in your head
i’m not unfaithful but i’ll stray